JOKES
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
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A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
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Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
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Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
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Visa interview at Australian high commission:
Interviewer: Do you have any past criminal conviction?
Applicant: Why, is it still a requirement?
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Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My parent's check books!"
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After 15 years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.
Smiling, she asked: What about IJK?”
He replied: “I'm Just Kidding!”
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One spelling mistake in hurry can make hell.
Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his official trip and missed an "e" in the last word.
Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own house....
He wrote "Hi darling, I'm experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her."
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A boy is invited to Thanksgiving dinner at his girlfriend's parent's house so that they can meet him.
They've been together a while but haven't had sex yet.
His girlfriend tells him that after he meets her parents they can "get intimate".
So in preparation, he decides to get some condoms at the local pharmacy. As this will be his first time, he doesn't know anything about condoms and so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy.
The pharmacist explains all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of "ribbed for her pleasure".
The time comes for the Thanksgiving dinner and the young couple are seated at the dinner table with the girl's parents.
The girl is surprised to see the boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer.
She whispers to him, "I didn't know you were so religious!"
He whispers back, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
"You might want to write it down," she said.
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
"Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"