A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

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A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Canadian Tire."

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An American, a Jew, and an Canadian were in a car crash and they all died.
Luckily they had been good people and started up the escalator to heaven but when they got to the pearly gates they were asked for $100 each.
The angels said that inflation and the cost of labour had been rising quickly in the last few years and so they had to start charging for entry.
Well the American being a good American Christian was surprised but gladly paid his $100.
Well a couple days had passed and so Jesus came up to the American and asked where his Jewish and Canadians friends were.
The American tells Jesus that the Jew is still haggling over the price and the Canadian is waiting for the government to pay for it.

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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

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What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

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A couple Canadian guys die and find themselves in Hell.
The next day Satan comes to check on them. The Canadians are wearing their toques and drinking and carrying on having a good time. Satan is surprised to see they're not in misery so he cranks up the heat.
Satan comes back again to see if the Canadians are suffering. Again he finds them drinking and partying, having a great time. So Satan asks them, "What's wrong with you guys? Isn't it hot enough for you? Everyone else here is in misery and you guys are happy." The Canadian reply, "We come from the land of ice and snow, we're happy to warm up a bit."
So next day Satan cranks up the heat to full. All the minions of Hell are gasping for breath, sweating and in total misery. Satan comes back to check on the Canadians. Stunned, he finds them again laughing and drinking and barbecuing some hamburgers and asks why they're so happy. "After so many long cold winters, we love the heat, bring it on!!" say the Canadians.
So Satan, totally furious, thinks about ways to punish the Canadians. "Aha! If they're enjoying the heat so much, I'll take it away from them." So Satan turns off the Hellfires.
Next day, icicles are forming in the cavernous depths of hell. All the condemned souls of Hell are shivering and suffering in the cold. So Satan checks in on the Canadians. He finds them happier than ever, wearing their toques, jumping up and down laughing and hollering, empty beer bottles strewn all about. He asks them, " What is your problem? I turn up the heat all the way you don't suffer. I turn off the heat, you don't suffer. What the hell is wrong with you guys? Why are you always so happy?"
The Canadians reply, "Don't you know, Hell froze over, it means the Leafs must have won the Cup!"

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A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.
She asks angel: What are these for?
Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.
The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...
Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.
The woman asks: Where are the clocks of Married men?
The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'
She then asked, what about the Married women?
The angel replied, 

 They are kept out... they are generating electricity...!!

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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When my wife starts to sing, I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

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A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered
the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the f**k do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhh, Air Canada!"

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You may be living in Canada if:

 

• If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.
• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
• If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend.
• If you measure distance in hours.
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
• If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again.
• If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
• If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your wife knows how to use them.
• If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, you're going 95 and everybody is passing you.
• If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction. 
• If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
• If you find -2F degrees 'a little chilly'.

 

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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in their pints.  
 The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, “Spit it out ... spit it out, you bastard!”  

 

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sat down and said, “Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and placed it in front of him.  
 The guy from Budweiser said, “I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.  
 The guy from Coors said, “I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors.” The bartender obliged.  
 The guy from Molson Canadian sat down and said, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender was a little taken aback, but gave him what he ordered.  
 The other brewery presidents looked over at him and asked, “Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?”  
 The Molson Canadian president replied, “Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.”