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কৌতুক

লেখক: General Category: কৌতুক (Jokes) Edition: Dhaboman - Eid 2017

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and attractive  female passenger onboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The Captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you before.. We have resigned from United Airlines and now This is Air Force One.

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An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing. In Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American   doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Three months ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole World is waiting for WWIII"

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এক ইঞ্জিনিয়ার কিছুতেই চাকরি পেলনা। তখন সে একটা ক্লিনিক খুলল আর বাইরে লিখে দিল, '৩০০ টাকায় যে কোনো রোগের চিকিৎসা করান হয়। সুস্থ না হলে ১০০০ টাকা ফেরত'।

এক ডাক্তার ভাবল, ১০০০ টাকা রোজগার করার একটা দারুন সুযোগ। সে সেই ক্লিনিকে গেল আর বলল, 'আমি কোন জিনিস খেতে গেলে স্বাদ পাইনা'।

ইঞ্জিনিয়ার নিজের নার্স কে বলল, 'একে ২২ নম্বর বক্স থেকে তিন ফোটা খাইয়ে দাও'।

নার্স খাইয়ে দিল।

রোগী(ডাক্তার ): আরে এটা তো পেট্রোল..........

ইঞ্জিনিয়ার : কনগ্র্যচুলেশন....দেখলেন তো আমাদের ক্লিনিকের কামাল.....আপনি টেস্ট টা জিভে পেয়েছেন।এবার আমাকে আমার তিনশো টাকা দিয়ে দিন।

কিন্তু ডাক্তার ভীষণ চতুর। ভাবল, একে টাইট করতে হবে আর পয়সাটাও উসুল করতে হবে।তাই আবার কিছুদিন পর সে সেই ক্লিনিকে গেল। বলল,'ডাক্তার সাহেব আমার মেমোরি কমে গেছে, কিছুই মনে থাকেনা'।

ইঞ্জিনিয়ার : নার্স , একে ২২ নম্বর বক্স থেকে তিন ফোটা দাও।

রোগী (ডাক্তার ): কিন্তু স্যার, ওটাতো স্বাদ ফিরে পাওয়ার ওষুধ ।

ইঞ্জিনিয়ার : দেখলেন তো ওষুধ খাওয়ার আগেই আপনার মেমোরি ফিরে এসেছে। দিন আমার তিনশো টাকা।

এবার ডাক্তার বেশ রেগেই বাড়ি গেল এবং আবার কিছুদিন পর ক্লিনিকে এসে বলল,'স্যার, আমার দৄষ্টি শক্তি একে বারেই কমে গেছে।সবই খুব ঝাপসা দেখি'।

ইঞ্জিনিয়ার : এর কোন ওষুধ আমার কাছে নেই। এই নিন আপনার হাজার টাকা।

রোগী (ডাক্তার ): কিন্তু এতো ৫০০ টাকার নোট।

ইঞ্জিনিয়ার ; দেখুন ,আপনার দৃষ্টি শক্তিও ফেরত এসেছে। তাহলে এবার দিন আমার তিনশো টাকা।

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." 

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." 

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. 

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. 

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." 

Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" 

The boy replied, "Why, yes."

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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." 

 

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 

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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

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Young Woman In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. 

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. 

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. 

The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" 

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Vice President

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. 

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". 

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. 

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" 

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?" 

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দুই কৃপণ আলাপ করছে।

“দোস্ত, যখন অনেক গরম পড়ে তখন তুই কি করিস?”

“কি আর করব, ফ্যানের সামনে গিয়ে বসে থাকি,” দ্বিতীয় কৃপন উত্তর দেয়।

“আমি জামাটা খুলে ফেলি। যখন ভীষণ গরম পড়ে তখন কি করিস?”

“তখন ফ্যানটা চালিয়ে দেই।”